Let’s twist that Beatles bop into a newsprint-drenched ditty—equal parts satire and swing, with wordplay wrapped in headlines and irony. Here’s:
I Want to Hold the News
(to the tune and rhythm of “I Want to Hold Your Hand”)
Oh yeah, I read the news today—
The ink just leads the way—
To dread and disarray—
It’s how I start my day…
🎶 I want to hold the news…
I want to scan the views…
I want to fold and crease
That grim four-page police
Report from Channel 2…
Oh please—say it’s all just spam,
Another doctored cam,
Some senator’s exam,
A hedge fund traffic jam…
🎶 I want to hold the news…
I want to skim abuse…
I want to dodge the facts
In glossy Sunday slacks,
Then feel the comics bruise…
And when I touch the page
My hands turn gray with fear—
So much despair,
But printed with such cheer…
Oh no—there’s a pullout spread
Of pundits half-unread,
The crossword’s filled with dread,
The horoscope said flee instead—
🎶 I want to hold the news…
Before the truth defuse…
Before the letters whine,
Before the deadlines pine,
And headlines light the fuse…
🎶 I want to hold… the news…