Let’s crank it up—sleazy guitar riffs, gravel in the throat, cigarette ash on the classifieds. Channeling full J. Geils Band energy, here’s:
News Stinks
(to the tune and fury of “Love Stinks” by J. Geils Band)
Yeah!
You wake up slow, drag your feet to the door,
There it is—your daily chore.
Rolled up tight like a back-alley snitch,
Wrapped in plastic, smelling rich.
Crack it open—what’s inside?
Another scandal, war, and pride.
Stocks are down, the rent is up,
And someone’s poisoned the local cup.
🎸 News stinks! (Yeah, yeah!)
News stinks! (C’mon now!)
News stinks! (You know it!)
N-E-W-S… stinks!
You read it all with caffeine dread,
Your horoscope just wants you dead.
A preacher fell, a tech bro rose,
They’re both in ads for steel-toe clothes.
“Freedom’s trending!”—what a joke,
While half the town goes up in smoke.
They sell you fear in bold typeface,
And call it truth with style and grace.
🎸 News stinks! (Oh yeah!)
News stinks! (Smells like spin!)
News stinks! (Ain’t no win!)
Take it from the op-ed page—
News stinks!
You can keep your front-page fiction,
Your doom-scented subscription.
I’ll line my cat’s box with your fate,
And wipe my hands of clickbait hate.
🎤 Cuz baby…
News stinks! (Who you kidding?)
News stinks! (Pull the pin!)
News stinks! (It’s a circus in print!)
Hey New York Times—bite me.
News. Stinks.